Oh how I miss you. Every moment something makes me think of you. Nothing feels right without you here. There aren’t words that can truly describe how I feel. You were my first love, my person. Good, bad, ugly….no matter what I knew I could count on you to love me and pick me up with your words somehow someway. It wasn’t always what I thought I needed or what I understood but knowing and having you in my life gave me peace. You were my best friend, my comfort. Your presence made me feel alive. And now I’m lost in this world without you. Left to raise these kids alone. Something I never thought I’d have to do. They need your words of wisdom. Your humor. Need you. I cannot be that for them. I feel so much pain, guilt. I messed up a lot, we both did. But you know- when I look at these kids, I see that we did something right. They are beautiful and smart, they are funny and they love people. They understand pain, more than I wish they did. They have compassion and I know they will bless this world with their lives. You did also. You lived on YOUR terms and I hated that so much sometimes but now I’m so glad you did. The people who didn’t understand missed out. I was so blessed to love you. To know you. To be your family. Always and forever. Ride or Die. It’s me and you. So so many memories. They flood me. I love you.
grief
Real grief…9 years of real emotions, pain & heartache.
9 years of wishing this date would be ripped off the calendar.
I hate this day.
I hate thinking about the moment I heard the news.
9 years of remembering that moment when I walked into my childhood home and saw my moms heart strewn all over the floor
The first phone calls
The screams and tears
This day left a hole in my heart that cannot be filled; an empty space of leftover memories and wishes. Regret, doubts, and fears. A space of wishing I had do-overs…wishing I said I love you, wishing I gave that hug, wishing I smiled back.
I don’t know if I can face this day again. It hurts so bad, it makes me angry. This day is all the millions of regular bad days wrapped into one. I’d face adversity ten million ways to erase this day.
I cannot wait to see your face Phillip…your sister loves you incredibly much.
Years 1-8
No words or tears can explain how very empty and broken I feel right now….my big brother is gone and I do not even know where to begin but I know that there is a big God up there with plans for all of us and I can only hope that lives will be changed through this. Please pray for my mom and my family. Phillip….from Earth to Heaven…. I love you unconditionally no matter what!
Surreal day in the history of Ericka…a year ago today I lost a piece of my heart. I can’t believe it’s already been this long. A year of pain, tears, doubt, confusion and so much more. God please fill my family with peace, give us strength and understanding, surround us with your angels & love. We need you more now than ever. AMEN. Heaven is a promise, not a maybe…we will meet again. Love you bro.
My heart feels as broken as it did 2 years ago…not a moment goes by that I don’t think of you! I don’t know how im going to get through this day…love you forever. Make my palace in Heaven for me b/c I am coming! Xoxo
I refuse to feel defeated, to feel sad…..to let the devil conquer my heart yet again. My Gods bigger then any pain that is thrown my way. I miss you & hurt just as much as that very day if not more today but I know your seated in heavenly places & my seats next to yours. Love you brother! Be with us all today. Give us big hugs & ask Jesus to help us feel peace.
It’s just the day he called you by name. I will celebrate & not weep. Love & miss you
Six.
Six years of pain.
Six years of loss.
Six years of questions.
Six years of why.
Six years of waiting.
Six years of longing.
Six years of anger.
Six years of holding it together.
Six years of letting God.
Six years of missing you.
Six years of prayers.
Six years of grace.
Six years of welcoming heaven.
Six years of confusion.
Six years without you.
Six long long years.
Not sure how to keep moving forward. Not sure how to make it through this awful date that rears its ugly head year after year. Six years of wishing this day would disappear. Of wishing I would have heard my phone, of wondering why I didn’t. Six years I wish I could change. Six years of tears. Six years our family has never been the same.
I miss you Phillip Reyna, I miss you so much. I’ll never understand, my heart hurts so bad. Six stupid years.
Cried in the rain missing you today brother. 7 years feels like 7 seconds….every day is hard but today especially. Love you so much it hurts. I hate this pain. I love you. Be with us.
The pain of this stupid day….I hate acknowledging it because it’s the day the enemy took you from us but as hard as I try….as deep as I dig trying to ignore it…the more I hear the number…..the number of this date. The more I hear it….the more I go back to that moment 8 years ago when I heard those words. When I heard you were gone. When I realized that I’d never see your smile….hear your laugh. My heart broke in pieces and it’s never been the same. I love you so incredibly much. I hate this day. I’ll cry a moment but pick myself up because you would want me to. You would tell me to keep going….that you were okay. You never wanted anyone to worry about you…you always showed strength even when you were weak. Not having a big brother on earth is so hard. So extremely hard.
Til we meet again
-theErickaMarie
Being an adult is junk.
Why do we grow up wishing we were older and then as we get older wish we could go back in time?
To close our eyes, turn the clock hands back and start fresh with a new outlook and a slowness about us that life truly requires….Aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh….
I just made a decision that makes me feel like a huge, massive, GINORMOUS failure.
And it’s not so serious. But the ever-growing demand of take this next step, do more, aspire for more…..GROW….LEARN….never stop. Never stop working harder, and longer and deeper. Work more, live less.
All of those things are great…careers are so great….I love mine, so much.
But peace…family…and health
Loving yourself.
That is more important
Without peace and thriving relationships of love and confidence…we are nothing. You cannot pour an empty glass. I’ve been trying to pour this glass all over town and there is nothing to offer. I have not taken the time to be still, to be present and to reflect on what I need.
Yes, I absolutely want to be successful. Yes I want my masters degree.
I want to provide for my family, I want to show my children what hard work looks like.
But what I want the MOST….is for my kids to know what peace looks like, what confidence feels like. What a wholesome mother is. Deep conversations and TIME.
So I challenge you all to stop and set things aside that take that away from you, from your friends and most importantly from your family.
I dropped a class.
It cost money.
I feel like I failed.
But I am proud that I had the courage to put my peace 1st.
And you know what….will I still be successful…YEP. Still get my masters degree….YEP.
Such is life. Live and learn right?!
“Peace cannot be kept by force, it can only be achieved by understanding”
-Albert Einstein
-theErickaMarie
When my daughter was 10 she loved watching Georgetown Cupcakes on TLC. I promised her for her 15th we would go. Well 5 years flew by & this week we went to D.C. It was a beautiful week of one on one time with my girl. We looked at the monuments, visited a museum, went to the zoo, napped, rode the metro rail, tried new foods, had expensive ice cream & spent a beautiful day shopping in Georgetown.
I walked the WWII Memorial and couldn’t help but get emotional. I could feel a sense of sadness and loss in that place. So thankful for those who gave it all.
And then my dreams of seeing the Lincoln Memorial came true. As I walked up the steps my eyes filled with tears. I remember learning about him, hearing about how he taught himself to read and came from nothing. He’s always inspired me to never stop learning & keep dreaming. Anyone can do big things.
D.C. was much more than I anticipated emotionally.
My oldest Seline is 15; I was 16 when I found out I was pregnant, this doesn’t seem real. Her life is my accomplishment. My joy. She lights up my life.
My life is amazing.
I have a wonderful family.
Thankful for my job.
Life is beautiful.
I will continue to travel & see new things but I’ll always enjoy coming home more.
Xo!
-theErickaMarie
There are dark moments in life where it all feels like a hoax. Am I living this life? Do I want this? What do I do to change it? We get one life & we have to make the best of it. We do so many things out of habit that we don’t enjoy. I need peace & courage to live life my way. Tonight it all hurts.
Darkness envelopes me.
Thank goodness tomorrow is a new day.
-Ericka
Life is funny
Sometimes I wake up and I’m so grateful for breath and waking to a new day.
And other days I wake up and wonder why.
What am I here for? Why do I do what I do?
Sometimes I don’t feel like I’m living a present life.
I feel like I’m running like a robot and somehow getting it all done.
I’m tired of life feeling like a confusing dream.
I want to BE PRESENT in every interaction.
Every work hour, every minute of my commute. Those moments that fly by at home that I take for granted with my kids.
And I want to be loved and to love.
I’m not afraid anymore. I just want the life I deserve.
This is my year. I feel it.
Excited about all that 2018 will bring!
Xo!
-Ericka Marie
It’s been almost 3 weeks since Hurricane Harvey came & hovered over Texas. It’s so difficult to explain what it’s like to sit here during this all. I was very blessed and my home, vehicle and family were not directly affected by the rising waters. The survivor guilt is real. I sat in my home feeling helpless watching the news wishing I had a boat & the ability to be on the ground helping. When I watched my anxiety level would rise and when I didn’t watch I felt even worse. Sleepless nights and anxiousness out of control. God blessed me with a heart of compassion 7 years ago and it didn’t come easily. I lost my brother and although a part of me is gone; somewhere in my broken heart God filled a place of complete compassion and I feel things for people now that my heart didn’t recognize before.
I went back to work as soon as the skies cleared and the first day ended in tears. People needing homes….people who were completely insensitive for those who were hurting. I had a hard time coping with it all. Harvey came and left me with a mountain of anxious feelings in return.
In the midst of post storm work, volunteering & life I’m struggling. It’s real and I’m not afraid to admit it. And I know I’m not alone.
Anxiety is real.
Anxiety is sitting in the midst of disaster feeling extreme love & compassion and not being able to physically do anything about it. Anxiety is beating yourself up because the kids still need school things even though school was interrupted by a storm, because you haven’t finished reading the books you started (yes, really), because you can’t finish a To Do list to save your life, because you can’t focus on the TV show you waited all day to watch. It’s not having the energy to do your hair and so much more. I cannot imagine life right now for those who were personally affected because I feel a mess and normal is going to take a while for all of us. But God!!! In the midst of the storm God showed up & he’s still here living within us and showing himself all around as we rebuild.
#HoustonStrong
-TheErickaMarie
I don’t know about the rest of you but my mind plays tricks on me just about every .01 seconds. You can blame it on anxiety, the fact that I have 3 kids, my schedule or just about anything really. I find myself often blaming it all on the enemy because admitting downfalls aren’t always easy but the truth is….I play a large role in my thought patterns. We all do.
What I’ve learned is that thoughts and actions go hand in hand for me. When I’m away from God my actions reflect it & my thoughts continue to move into unhealthy territory but when I’m focused on him there is an instant renewing of the mind that doesn’t take much work on my part. It’s who he is….he’s the only instant gratification of this world. His promises are the only ones that won’t be broken. He’s the solid rock in our lives. And he never leaves us.
“If we are “out of our mind,” as some say, it is for God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you.”
2 Corinthians 5:13 NIVhttp://bible.com/111/2co.5.13.niv
I guess I’m outta my mind.
Things I miss about Paris & London:
-The Eiffel Tower Majesty
-Paris breakfast w yummy jam & butter
-The History
-Architecture
-Tesco
-Lattes
-Croissants & bread on every corner
-The accent of the people
-The style…most importantly the vibrant out of this world hair color I saw constantly
-Primark (HA)
Things I LOVE about America:
-My family is here
-A/C
-Ice
-Queso
-Drivers
-The constant sincere hospitality
Missing what was but so happy to be home. Til we meet again UK!
Xo
-theErickaMarie
theErickaMarie 